Showdown of the Hair: A NBA Western Conference Playoff Preview

Anthony Davis’s unibrow is going to the NBA Western Conference playoffs! The Pelicans eked their way in Wednesday night, winning at home against the Spurs (108-103) and knocking out OKC to secure the last spot in the West.

With the playoff schedule set to go, and inspired by Davis’s facial hair that is somehow growing both wilder and more well-groomed every day, I thought I’d bring in a NBA Western Conference Playoff preview based on team hair power, since my actual predictions are rarely ever right.

Pels vs. Warriors

AD and his adorable unibrow (I own the doll) will be happy to see some post-season action, but they’re no match for hairless Stephen Curry, who looks like he has less hair on his body than when was at Davidson. It must have something to do with aerodynamics, which helps him sink his 3’s. Warriors in 6. As if you couldn’t tell I’m a Pels fan.

Mavs vs. Rockets

The logic of aerodynamics doesn’t work for armpits, though. Dirk’s hairless pits have terrified me for years now. They are no match for Harden’s massive beekeeper beard, which is where Harden must store all his slick moves. Harden’s beard is the only hair with its own, active Twitter account with more than 15K followers. Rockets in 6.

Spurs vs. Clippers

Kawhi Leonard’s distinctive cornrows combine with Manu’s lucky bald spot to create havoc for the Clippers. Rounding out the trinity is Tony Parker’s shiny legs (I know he waxes). Not even Chris Paul’s eyelashes, the prettiest in the NBA, stand a chance. Spurs in 5.

Blazers vs. Grizzlies

Every legit NBA team needs a Sideshow Bob. Think Anderson Varejao for the Cavs, or Ben Wallace for the Pistons back in the day. For the Blazers, there’s Robin Lopez. On the Grizzlies’ side, their “smooth man” (player with exceptionally little body hair) is Zach Randolf.

I expect this to be the tightest match, especially if Vince Carter isn’t dying his beard. I go out on a limb and say Blazers in 7.

Anyone who watches basketball has, at one time or another, wondered about players’ facial hair choices, and their body hair. Statistically, it is impossible for all those dudes to be so hairless on their arms, legs, shoulders, and armpits. Do they all shave? Wax? Electrolysis? Laser? Do they all go to the same person, on recommendation? Do they go together?

These are the burning questions in my mind as the playoffs set to start.

Cover photo by Derick E. Hingle – USA TODAY Sports.

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SERENITY JOO

Serenity Joo is an educator, thinker, spectator sport fanantic, and nacho enthusiast. She grew up in the Deep South, which explains everything. Her body currently resides in Winnipeg, Canada. Serenity is a 2015 Dat Winning fellow.